It’s an odd feeling when a complete stranger says exactly what you have been struggling to articulate for so long.
I’m angry at myself. Because I know, I should be happy; I want to be happy. I’m just terrified that I don’t know how. I don’t know if it’s just that my brain is so slow now that I can’t remember, but I’m worried that I wouldn’t even know what the good times feel like. That this is my permanent state now. They say 20% of depression patients never make a full recovery and I’m terrified that this has been going on for so long that I can’t go back. I think what I’m trying to say is that it would be easier if I had some memory or ideal to struggle back to. But I can’t remember.
It’s like being in the water with no land in sight. You know you need to swim but you have no idea which direction. So you stay, and you drown.
I feel completely out of control. When I started University, I was clever. Not Nobel Prize winning or Harvard attending clever, but I had ideas and I followed them and I was confident in my ability. I was smart. Now, I try to write something, or have a conversation, or do something entirely mundane, and it feels like trying to push a car with the handbrake still on. It feels like catching a glimpse of light through the fog and instantly losing it. It feels like all these dramatic similes that don’t even begin to describe it.
It feels like drowning.
I feel like, starting off, I should make some kind of disclaimer on the off chance someone stumbles across this blog. So, before I do that, some background: I am in my early (getting to mid) twenties. I was diagnosed with major depression five years ago and for the most part am stable on medication.
Lately, I have been struggling.
So I suppose starting this up is a stopgap of sorts. The aim is to find a counsellor or therapist or magical shaman healer (NOPE) who I can pay to sit and listen to me whine about my inconsequential and still somehow completely pervasive issues. I get that the internet is a sponge; that once you put it out there it is there forever, but I am looking for catharsis and I’m not freaking picky.
So this will be a random outpouring of crap; some way to purge or at least organise the thoughts in my head that are always there on the periphery but disappear too fast for me to grab them. If you are here, and you are reading this, and there are thoughts you want to throw out there - please do. There’s comfort in solidarity, I think.